And apparently the profits are good, too. A UK dealer makes around 1 per cent on each new car, whereas their Russian counterparts regularly make between 3.5 and 4 per cent. It appears that Russian buyers are suckers for extras, which deliver a higher profit than the cars themselves. BMW has understood this principle from Day One.

The Russian dealers also make a decent margin on servicing, and many service departments stay open until 9 0’clock every evening, just to cope with the level of business. The Genser GM dealership – the 900 cars a month dealership – employs 200 people in its service department, which handles up to 180 cars a day.

When told by Automotive News of the average levels of sales in the UK, and the profit margins, Natalyia Ignatova, Sales Department Director of Genser, said: “You call that a business?”

Except they weren’t - although he didn’t discover this until he’d stripped down the brakes on his car and rendered it un-driveable. So he walked back to the shop, where he was told the correct bits were on ‘back order’, and sorry about the mistake.

A week later, the shop rang him to say the parts were in. As they were, but not the correct bits. To cut an even longer story short, my friend eventually finished up at a breaker’s yard (or whatever they are nowadays called) and found precisely the bits he needed. Total time: 12 days.

His car obviously isn’t old enough. I also need a few small parts for my car, but mine is 61 years’ old: a 1947 MG. A quick flick through an online catalogue, a short ‘phone call, and next day the bits arrived. Total time: 18 hours.

I am not sure if that’s a triumph for the Internet, or for the classic-car business. Either way, it didn’t drive me spare.

‘From March 31st this year councils across England were empowered to use CCTV camera images to enforce parking fines. Prior to this ruling, parking tickets were only valid if placed on the vehicle or handed to the driver in person. The new regulations stipulate that CCTV cameras can be used only in areas where it is too “difficult or sensitive” for an attendant to operate, such as a fast-flowing road or a busy junction. Now, fines can be issued through the post up to 14 days after the alleged offence occurred.’

This is news to me, and I guess to most of you, too. So before you next dart into the newsagents or offy, don’t simply scan the vicinity for wardens – look up, and if you can see a camera, it can see you.

Check out the site in question for yourself: you will find it here. Has anyone been caught this way?

I thanked my lucky stars. I thanked them that my partner was locked out with me, and in her handbag, along with the usual bottle jack, creosote (makes her look sun-tanned), Polyfilla (cheaper than Max Factor), torque wrench, and general landfill material, was a ‘phone. And with that ‘phone I called an Audi press officer (thank you J) who gave me the number of Audi/Volkswagen rescue.

No waiting. No “You are number sixteen in a queue”. No Mozart for broken-down motorists. Just the words you want to hear: “How can I help?” Ten minutes later, I got a call from a mobile technician: “I will be with you in half an hour.” And he was.

I won’t tell you how he retrieved the keys, except that the process was slick, caused no damage, and took fewer than ten minutes. In future, I shall always lock myself out of an Audi.

Hertz sent me an email customer satisfaction survey upon my return. See below my feedback, to which I have received no response:

Firstly, the selection of cars was very limited. I was initially offered a smaller car than that I’d booked but I refused it. Eventually I was offered a slightly larger car than I wanted. It had a big dent in the back but I accepted it as there seemed little alternative. The car had no user handbook in the glovebox which made it impossible to locate the bonnet release to top up the washer fluid which was empty. The office was closed when I returned the vehicle so I was unable to discuss this with the Hertz staff.

The worst thing though, was the dismal selection of child seats on offer. They were all grubby and dirty and most were actually damaged. I tried 3 before I found one that was barely acceptable. The Hertz representative, although very polite and friendly, explained that he didn’t know how to install the seat as he never had any children of his own!!! I was astonished by the comment. It seems to suggest that Hertz’s attitude to the safety of its customers is lax, to say the least. Very disappointing indeed. Am considering asking for compensation for the additional cost of the child seat since the service was so poor.

I’d really like to hear from anyone else who’s had similar problems where it comes to the rental of child seats.

But the genre is not new. Hemingway once wrote a truly poignant six-worder: ‘For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn’ and described it as his best work.

Not to be outdone, I have written some six-word motoring novels.

Man buys new Scirroco. Divorce ensues.

Rich divorcee crashes new Ferrari. Result.

Diplomat speeds. Child dies. What diplomat? (True story)

Demand biofuel. Africa starves. Climate unchanged.

Spotted GATSO. Missed van. Another SP30.

Diesel drowned. Assasination? Smoke, no spark.

Please feel free to recommend any of these for a Booker prize, or have a go yourself. Best entry wins a jar of torque.